Monday, July 14, 2014

Too Much To Hope For (Jill)

They don't realize that I know I'm insane. I know just how messed up I am. I know that I'm ruining lives. Why do you think I left in the first place? Anyways, it's not like my plan actually worked. Here I am, alive, and most definitely not well. 


I don't tell people, even Kris, about the nightmares. I don't tell them about Mom, about what we did to each other. I don't tell them about how that tough, creepy, evil me is all an act. It wasn't at first, but now that I'm back it is. My hope is that if I succeed this time, maybe I'll die, and maybe I'll stay dead. This world doesn't deserve me, or the pain I always bring. 


If I hate anyone, it's myself, my father, and my mother. No one even knows about what I did to Mom. 1 doesn't even know, and he knows everything. Or almost. He's forgotten most of what he knows, but he has my old diary. He can piece two and two together. 


Maybe I should try again. I have my knives. 


I know that I deserve every truth they tell me, and so much more, but that only makes it hurt more. I lie about so much. Music doesn't fix anything anymore, and I've lost my interest in books. This really is my last resort. I'm going through the motions. 


I have a plan. I'll hurt 2. More of a scare than anything, but it'll be enough to seriously mess with 1. It will hopefully put enough space between him and 3 that I'll be able to die, and maybe stay dead. 


Is that honestly too much to hope for dad, is it?