Wonderland

The final farewell. That's one thing to call it.

I swore I wasn't going to write anymore, but I needed to.

My name is Jillian Elms. I have fallen down the rabbit hole and passed through the looking glass. I hate Wonderland. There are some amazing people, but I hate it.

I've trained myself to fight. I've learned to shut people out, and shut them down. The white queen's brother hasn't been so happy about this, but he has no reason to be. Not after what I've done.

The cat was right. The red queen wants my head. I'm giving it to her. The red king is dead and can't talk sense into her. I lost the croquet game.
The flowers haven't even dried.

I'm folding my cards, but I already showed them to you, so what's the point? The maze is impossible to solve, at least it is for me. There's only one way to get back to Dinah and my sister and those daisy chains. I barely remember the river anymore. The waters burn, the devil's rapids, but they taste so sweet.

That's where I'm going. Back where I belong. Back where I deserve to be. There are no excuses for what I have done and what I have caused. That has been shouted to the world plenty of times.

Keep on smiling, Cheshire Cat. Someone here deserves to be happy. The white rabbit is on time. The glass has shattered and I'm below. I'd grown and shrunk and I don't know who I am. Maybe I'm the wrong Alice.

The Mad Hatter was nice. He made me feel at home. The March Hare gave some fun to it all, and the Dormouse gave us the sleep we all needed.

I daresay I'm crying. For the things I've done, for the things I'll do. It's my fault that the Jabberwock is dead. I went galumphing back with its head.

Here's the Bandersnatch's precious eye. It'll be needed if you want to survive.

I've walked a little faster, but I'll always be the snail. The porpoise has caught me, it's on my tail.

Your drinks at your tea party weren't the poison. The tea didn't kill me. The cookies haven't crumbled. The roses' thorns pricked my fingers, as red as their paint.

I wish I could say I love you, but I never was a liar.

Goodbye Wonderland. I hope you miss me.

One in a Million

This is more of a prompt than anything (which I got last nigh from some friends).

1. Take a picture of a crowd, or some famous picture. The catch is that it has to be a picture the world doesn't know who it is about.
2. Pick a person out of the crowd.
3. Write their story. Before, then, and after.

I'm seriously excited to do this, and hope to be able to post some on here sometime!

I Remember (Lyrics)

Liquid feelings

jelly legs

no one tells me

how to feel safe

flower petals

fall away

carefully placed

in a horrific way

I remember your favorite things

stars in a purple night sky

I remember everything

I remember everything you ever told me

Dirt is sprinkled

twisted and turned

falling slowly

as they shut you away

Now you're gone

and I am here

resting troubledly

without you near

I remember your favorite things

lights appearing like shimmery stars

I remember everything

I remember everything you ever told me

Boxes packed up

and stored away

books are shelved

they won't be read today

Shivers in cold

shudders in fear

no one told me

you'd leave me here

I remember your favorite things

that leather jacket that never kept you warm

I remember everything

I remember everything you ever told me

Shattered glass

and a broken wood

like perfect round glasses

and a an oaken wand

Things you loved

and liked and dismayed

no one noticed

or thought it'd end this way

I remember your favorite things

black boots and white shiny Keds

I remember everything

everything you ever told me

Pond

Misty hues in greys and blues
no one sees, but me and you
Flapping, flying in the wind
Screaming, squawking without an end

Stems grow taller, flowers bloom
Cattails smile at tadpoles new
Lily pads float with pinks and whites
Trees and shadows cast sunlight

Overhanging leaves will fall
atop the frogs, tiny and small
reflection's glare across the sea
no one misses in obscurity

Darkness sheds the light so dear
and brings about a comforting ear
listening in with all its might
they share their secrets in the dead of night

The Music Box

The small box may have looked like a piece of trash, but inside it was so much more. 

The aged, oaken walls hid a tiny, dancing fäerie that danced to various titles, all unknown to me or anyone of any knowledge that I had spoken with. It was as if my little fäerie friend was a creature of wisdoms unknown. 

Her eerie tune would play me to sleep and wake me up, day after day and night after night. Her light, lilting tune would relax my nerves and put me in a happy place. Her powerful notes and strides would fuel my passionate emotions and give me strength. It was as if she could read my mind. 

Twirling, the fäerie would dance. Her leg extended and arms raised as she stood on the tips of her toes. A green tint to her pale skin and elfish ears hinted at magic, but misty wings assured the light rumour she began. 

The song would change and so would my mood. Something deep and dramatic for a bad day, and something light and happy for a good one. She was my family, my home. She was my escape. 

Traveling with me, she witnessed fire firsthand. She saw death. She suffered damages and loss herself, a chipped wing to prove it. Yet still she carried onward, being the strong little fäerie that would not stop. She was mine. 

I would be the fäerie. I would be strong. 

Maybe You're The Problem (Lyrics)

Maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently

I fell down your hole called love
Never thought I'd see an end
Always told only lies
Always told it was the truth

But now I see the light at the end of the tunnel
But now I'm finally on my own
But now I'm out of that wretched hole
Cause now I am
Alone

You always said I Love You
I always thought you meant it
But all along I knew
It was all because of you

Maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently

They always said it was my fault
Called me names and insults
No one ever liked me when I fell hard
Not even you

Since everything you said was a lie
Since everything you told me was wrong
What do I mean to you now?
Now that I know

So maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently

You probably know this is for you
And how it's the story of us
Cause I remember it all too well
It's haunting me even now

You never were exactly innocent
I couldn't call you the lucky one
I couldn't say I almost love you
Even though every time I try not to
I almost do

Maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently

So maybe this time I'm right
A rare occurrence near you
So take this song as a Dear John note
Cause this time it's not me

Maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently
Maybe you're the problem
Maybe it's not me
Maybe everyone else thinks differently

Mom

I guess I finally want to share this. That or I can't handle it anymore. There are a lot of things I can't handle anymore, but this is the easiest one to spill.

I had gone three weeks with my good side, this side, out. I hadn't suspected anything, just hoped that maybe life was going in my favor for what felt like the first time in years.

I couldn't have been more wrong.

When those people kept asking me if my other side can hide things from me, I lied. It can. It does. I have moments in my life that are blanks.That's how I can tell when my other side was out. That and when my memory goes hazy at moments. That's how I know a switch is coming.

The strange thing with the incident, though, is that there wasn't that unwelcome haziness that used to always ease me into it. It just popped up on me. Two weeks passed and before I knew it, I was at camp. There are two weeks where I have no memory.

I hate to lie. I hate to hurt people, but I have. I've done it before, and if I don't take care of this, then I'll only do it again.

So I guess this is goodbye, Mom. And everyone else. I could say I'm sorry, but I'm not really sure if I am.

I hope you don't miss me too much.

Maybe (Lyrics)

Maybe the cat was right when he called us all mad
Maybe tomorrow's light will never be sad
And then there's a maybe
A maybe for you
A maybe for all of us
And maybe me too

Foolish and immature
you said we'll get nowhere
Little dis we ever know
You ended up right

So maybe the cat was right
And maybe in tomorrows' light
Maybe it'll be more than you and me

Maybe in the end
We'll end up as just as friends
But maybe like what he said
That's all a lie
Oh that's all a lie

Maybe the cat was right when he called us mad
There's all these different pathways to take
This way and thataway and here and then there
We just have to choose wherever we go

So here's a maybe just for you and ms
Here's a maybe that will help us choose
'cause I've been thinking lately and maybe I love you

Breaking

Things are going to be different now, and that's that. My plan has been put into action,after some serious editing, and it's staying that way.

My plan is revenge, and following through with my other side's silly goals, all in one. Anderson gave me hope that maybe one day I could lead a normal life,mug that's the biggest load of crap ever to exist and we all know it. I said I wanted to break through his shell, but I'm not stopping there. I'm going to break him so hard he shatters.

And I'm going to be the only one laughing.

All We Are Part Two

Make sure you read the sneak preview first!



As I walked nothing really happened, so while we let that happen I shall fill you in on more of my personal story. Saying I was poor was an exaggeration. I lived in a two room house in the slums of the city. My 'mother' wasn't exactly there. She was incredibly distant and usually drunk. My 'father' was worse. He was always drunk and abusive. Usually I evaded it but some days I couldn't. I had learned to defend myself early on and how to stay out of the house when I needed to. Everyone in my family did. Peter had already booted it off to college and it was as if Morgan didn't even exist anymore. I did get caught sometimes and was then used as a punching bag. I didn't try to hide it. The fact that my life was messed up was just that, a fact. No one seemed to really care anyways. Vi had been abandoned as a baby so she gave me all the sympathy I needed. Dri knew about it but knew that I didn't need any pity so she pretty much acted like it didn't exist.

I heard the bus stop and pulled out the money I would need. Handing it to the conductor-y guy thing I went and took a seat near the back of the bus.

I had a dark blue hoodie on, a little lighter than the navy of Adria's wet umbrella. I was wearing some tee that actually fit (I managed to somehow be able to find those type of clothes) and jeans that had been in my possession for two years and were definitely starting to show it. On my feet were my old running shoes I had gotten from Goodwill last time my shoes wore out. No one seemed to notice that I only had two pairs of jeans and a few shirts. This was surprising considering how I was one of the popular kids at school (I'm still not sure how).

Slipping the hood of my sweatshirt down I leaned my head back and let my hair fall. I smoothed it out and pulled it up to represent a cylindrical shape named after a horse tail. I tightened the ponytail holder and added the other one from my wrist. Dropping my backpack to my seat I looked out the window to watch the world go by. Rain dripped down the glass aperture and I mentally raced the tiny tears. I remember an old friend once told me how it was like God was sad and the raindrops were his tears. I had laughed in her face. Needless to say we weren't friends anymore. That had happened with a lot of people. I was just so sarcastic and cold and rude and even cynical and I didn't really care what people thought that I just repelled friends. It was a miracle that I had Avia and Adria. We all had interesting tales on how we met.

The bus stopped and another person or two got on. It looked like a college student and someone my grandmother's age. I went back to watching the world go by. Shops and restaurants I had never once entered passed me by. Occasionally I would recognize a name or brand from something someone had once told me.

Several more times the bus stopped and people would climb on and off. It was never anyone I knew. No one ever sat next to me. Everyone was in such a hurry to get on with their daily lives that I was just another brick in the wall. After about an hour I saw the place and thought it may as well be a good place to get off. It looked like downtown with all the rich businesses. I knew a few kids from school lived down here and Vi and Dri had once dragged me to a party last year. That party was about the time Zoro met Dri. If love at first sight did exist then they certainly did have it. Their level of cuteness and perfectness was sickening sometimes. I stepped off of the bus and began to walk in a general direction. I walked across sidewalks and down streets. I cut through alleys and eventually ended up where my life totally changed. It was still raining and streetlights were beginning to turn on. In the area I was located there were a lot of houses that had businesses in front. It was the complete opposite of the slums where I lived.

"Are you alright, Hun? Do you need a phone?" a voice called out from one of the houses. It was a lady who was on the shorter side, maybe five foot four, and slightly pudgy. She seemed really nice.

"Oh I'm alright," I responded with a fake smile.

"At least come in and wait until the rain lets up! It's wretched out here!" Knowing that there was no use arguing I followed her into her house. From the looks of it she had some sort of small flower shop.

"I'm Delilah Cole," she introduced herself with a warm smile.

"Ravyn," I replied, shrugging my hands into the pocket of my jacket/sweatshirt/hoodie. I didn't know or care about the difference between them. All I know is that my jacket zipped up.

"Here, sit down here." Delilah motioned to a stool at her kitchen counter and I obliged. I didn't move my backpack. I didn't expect to stay long.

"What school do you go to?" She asked again.

"Windworth High," I answered. Her face gained an upgrade to her smile.

"Really? My son goes there. His name is Excalibur, any chance you know him?" I hid my emotions. Cal was the newer kid who was British. All the girls had a thing for him, except for Adria. Even Avia liked him, and we (you and I) both know (as of now) that she may or may not be very much infatuated with a kid named Gavin. I acknowledged his presence and the fact that he was incredibly good looking. That was where it ended. We hung out with the same people and he hated me. It was very simple. Instead of saying any of this I went with an easy one word answer.

"Yeah." Delilah nodded, her smile never ebbing.

"He should be home soon. He has some sport or something. I'm not even sure anymore." It was true that Cal did a lot of sports. He was probably one of the best athletes our school had.

"What's that on your cheek?" Delilah seemed worried as she stirred the noodles. I remembered the time I had been hit with a vase or something and gotten a scar on my cheek. It was from several years ago and wasn't the most noticeable anymore.

"An old scar." I just shrugged. Delilah seemed like the kind to worry over it unnecessarily.

"What from? No don't tell me. It's an issue at home. That's why you were walking around downtown wasn't it." Crap. This woman was good. I only nodded. No one had ever read me like that before.

"Well don't even think about leaving again! You can stay here until we can get everything sorted out. I take it you don't have any siblings left at home?" Another nod. This lady thought too much.

"Ah. My ex-husband was a psychiatrist and apparently I was better than him at figuring stuff out." I gave off a small smile, a real one.

"Well you'll just stay here for as long as you need. We have two guest bedrooms for when my daughters visit. They live with their father back in England." I nodded. I knew the type of person Delilah was. She didn't like the word no, in some cases. This was very clearly one of them or else none of this tale of mine would have ever happened.

"Mum, I'm ho-" Cal himself stood right there in all of his incredibly shocked glory. Just think about how he felt. The girl he hated for one reason or another was sitting there in his kitchen befriending his mother. And soon enough he was about to find out she would be staying with him and said mother for an undetermined amount of time. I would be shocked too, especially because I had been part of one of these situations before, and they weren't exactly common.

"Oh, Cal. You're finally home. You've met Ravyn. She will be staying with us." 

All Those Stupid Love Songs (Lyrics)

All those stupid love songs mean nothing

until you've gone through what they say

You always laugh at their stupid meanings

and then you feel that way

The sad thing is I'm OK with this

even though I'd go back and fix it

but I can't restart everything

because frankly, it's too late

But I'm ready for this

I'm always prepared

I've never had a steady relationship

or anything close until you snuck this way

You'll read this song

and all the others I wrote too

I'll make sure you know

why I feel the way I do

I don't know if it will ever have a chance to begin again

or if you will be the last friend I'll ever meet

but I don't know why I feel this much

over some as stupid as this

So this is the last song

you'll hopefully hear about you

hopefully all the anger is gone

but I know the hurt won't leave

All those stupid love songs mean nothing

until you've gone through what they say

You always laugh at their stupid meanings

and then you feel that way

Untitled

I'm destined for tragedy
No more room for love
All alone in this darkness
That somehow I call home

People come and go
But never do they stay
Always all alone
I must be just a stray

I haven't seen any pity
I've tried to feel some love
But still I'm just a traitor
Who tried to come above

I'll always just keep falling
My face is beginning to betray
Somehow maybe I'll save me
But that won't come today