The Incident

I want to talk about the incident, a lot, but I don't know if I'm ready to spill quite yet.

Thing is, I don't know if I ever will be.

Emotions

I think I've given up on emotions. What happens, happens, and that is that. I've also given up on feelings for other people. Yeah, maybe I've been attracted to Anderson in the past, but I'm ignoring that now. There is no chance, there never was, and there never will be.
It's just a fact I've had to face, and I finally did.

I don't even get the point of emotions. Sometimes, they are useful, but other times (and that is most of them) they are the worst thing in the world. Maybe in a few years I will try again, but for now I'll stick to ignoring them.

The pen was pressed into the paper repeatedly. It is clear that Jill was annoyed and angry, to say the least. 

Monster Monster (Lyrics)

Monster, monster
Come alive
See the ways the Gypsy lies

Monster, monster
Look at me
Look past all the insecurities

Monster, monster
Who are you
And what's the way our paths will go?

Because you're a monster
Because we're all lies
Because no one can see you
Or your demise
Because we're monster

Monster, monster
See through me
See through all the liberties

Monster, mister
Don't you dare
Don't go anywhere but where?

Monster, monster
Go away
Go until we can save the day

Because we're monster
Because we are lies
Because no one can see us
Or our demise

Because we're monster!

Monster, monster
Why have you trapped me?
Why did you steal a simple deed?

Monster, monster
Let me free
Let me through your dying seas

Monster, monster
You got me
So now you take me wherever you please

Oh Monster
Silly Monster
Oh oh
Don't you know he already had me
Don't you know he wouldn't sell me oh

Ohhhhhhhhh

Monster monster
Don't you cry
I'll be yours 
If you'll be mine

Because we're Monster
Because we are lies
Because no can see us
Or our demise
Because we are Monster

Monster
Ohhhhh oh
Because we are Monster
Because we lie
Because we hide
From forever's demise
Because we're monster!

Methodizing Madness (Lyrics)

Methodizing madness
Organizing schemes
Leaving all the good
And ripping all the seams

Conquering the people
Tearing through the night
Stealing up your powers
Flying through the sky

Oh we're methodizing madness
Organizing schemes
Taking all the innocent
Ruling as their queens

Dance until the day begins
The night will be young as we
No one wants to stop us
So why you staring at me?

Chaos is our specialty
Knowing million ways to die
Incurably crazy
Knowing why to ask why

Oh we're methodizing madness
Organizing schemes
Taking all the innocent
Ruling as their queens

Loving me
Loving you
You say it's real
But is it true?

They say were fakea
I say so too
Is it real 
Can I really trust you?

Oh we're methodizing madness
Organizing schemes
Taking all the innocent
Ruling as their queens

Crazier than a Chesire cat
We truly belong in Wonderland...
Cause we are methodizing madness

Oh we're methodizing madness
Organizing schemes
Taking all the innocent
Ruling as their queens
Ripping up the seams
Tonight

Boundaries (Lyrics)

Everything had such a horrible end
With sarcastic comments given like gifts
Everything turned so sour for us
Like at the end of a midnight shift

I lost my chance that I had with you
I guess I didn't know your boundaries
And I guess you didn't know mine
And in the end it hurt us both

We were so perfect and it felt so right
I always had someone there
I waited so long and for that night
But now it's all been crashed

I lost my chance that I had with you
I guess I didn't know your boundaries
And I guess you didn't know mine
And in the end it hurt us both

I feel like a tower of blocks
That was so tall but fell so far
I feel like a fire's been burning
Through every pore of my body

I lost my chance that I had with you
I guess I didn't know your boundaries
And I guess you didn't know mine
And in the end it hurt us both
And in the end, we were both gone

Hey You Butterfly (Lyrics)

Hello Butterfly
How you been
Haven't seen you in a while
And I can't say I missed ya
And all the things that came with ya
Especially that heart clenching feeling

Been a long while since we first met
And I wouldn't live it over again
The things that followed weren't the happiest
But they were deserved

So hey you Butterfly
Long time no seeeee
Hey you Butterfly
I can finally breathe

A lot of things happened after a fateful day
That changed my life in good and bad ways
I finally learned who not to trust
And even if they have angel wings
To always check for the devil's tail

So hey you Butterfly
I was glad to see you go
So hey you Butterfly
I guess this is goodbye 

Neverland (Lyrics)

Ohohohhh
Ohohohhh
Ayayay
Ayayay
They tale me a tale of a paradise
A place where you never grow up
Where innocence is eternal
And love will never die

So tell me, Peter
Where is this place?
How can I get there?
How can I see beyond space?
So tell me tell me tell me
Why am I stuck here
Gimme gimme gimme
A bit of your majestic fear

I hear bells and pirates fighting
I hear wings and mermaids too
I see the stars a-glowing
But I dont see you

They shot me shot me shot me
Out of the sky from following you
They dont want me want me want me
Ever to be with you

They are right that I don't belong here
They are right that I shouldn't stay
I know my place is elsewhere
So why won't you just sayay?

Leave me leave me leave me leave me
Go away go away go away go away
Just leave now and I'll forever hold my peace
But save me save me save me
The ropes are bound too tight
They hurt me hurt me hurt me
As you're chasing and fencing through the night

I know you spot me
I know you can help me
So follow Jiminy this time
Maybe for once he's right
All I know is let's hope so
So we can all live long
In Neverland

Ohohohohhh
Ohohohohhh
Ayayay
Ayayay

Down

     Sitting there in that tiny coffee shop on the corner of Sixth Avenue and Charleson Boulevard, I felt alone and knew it was true. When you read this, you're going to think I'm some attention seeking brat, and maybe I am, but please hold those thoughts off until you've given me a chance. That's not even what I deserve, but maybe you, of all people, could be nice to me and hear me out where so many people did not.

     Some old jazz hit from the thirties was the only noise as the mid afternoon traffic sped around us outside. In front of me sat an untouched, and now cold, cup of what was once hot chocolate. Whoever had said that chocolate cured everything clearly wasn't broken and shattered and mowed over again and again only to be picked up and drop kicked to the streets.

     Except it wasn't quite that bad.

     My thin, worn leather jacket didn't provide the advertised warmth as it lied around my shoulders. My slim and well-wrung hands clenched the Styrofoam cup that held my cheap drink. Memories about Cal hit me pretty strongly. The first time he saw me sitting there at the kitchen counter. Flipping though my drawings. That time in the mall when I was forced to try that very...vibrant outfit on. Playing his guitar for me when I was sick after that first party. Going to pick up Jessie at the airport. Chasing after me and bringing me back. Staying there with him and our thoughts for an entire day. Going to school and facing the sharks, who were my friends. Him graduating and going off to college. Finishing up high school and seeing him on the weekends. All those quiet pecks that we always shared. Our signature box of Krispy Kreme doughnuts that always came with him. Picking me up from school on that final day. Eating our last box of doughnuts. Dropping me off to hang out with Adria for a few hours. Going to his party for his birthday. Getting locked out by the ever so hotheaded Tarik. Getting slapped by a slightly more than drunk Cal out of anger for not seeing me. And then I left.

     That's why I was sitting here. The middle of some small town in the middle of Idaho. Miles, and miles away from home. Wherever home was. College had gotten sick of me and Morgan had gotten divorced, Destiny taking the kids with her. Peter was off in graduate school somewhere. My ever so loving (note sarcasm) parents were probably drunk and hung over somewhere back in Casey, Idaho. Now, up here right next to Canada where I could maybe get a fresh start, I was alone, and I dreadfully knew it.

     No one knew my address. No one knew I was here.It had been three years since I had left that night and I hadn't glanced back even once. It was what I was good at, and hopefully I was coming to a stop. I guess with all that running I thought maybe one day I would take off and fly, but apparently that didn't happen.

     A tiny bell rang, interrupting my thoughts and the old jazz music that still hadn't had the common sense to stop. Right now it was the classic scene that all cliche love stories seemed to have, or it was beginning to look like it. Standing right in front of the door was Excalibur Cole himself. His blue eyes swept over the bare interior of the dingy little corner cafe. For a second they were on my, but they soon passed over to the counter once more.

     After ordering two glazed doughnuts and a cup of some blend of tea I knew he loved,  he came and sat down across from me at the tiny booth with it.

      "Here," my once trusted more than a friend said, pushing one of the doughnuts towards me. He didn't recognize me. I blamed three years of college and my shorter hair.

     "You look like you could use a friend," he told me. I noticed his British accent was just soft background music for the instrument that his voice somehow was. My green-grey eyes were focused on the doughnut. he simple gesture brought back all the memories all over again. I wasn't sure whether to rejoice at somehow seeing him or slap him back, something he long deserved.

     "Thanks," I mumbled a little, not moving to take a bite of that or my cold hot chocolate. He offered a smile, but nothing else came out of the lips that I had use to teasingly peck. Three years had done a lot to the both of us.

     "Have we met somewhere before?" Cal asked after a few moments of mostly silence.

     I nodded.

     "Oh. Crap. Ravyn, listen, I was dru-" I didn't let the blonde haired boy-turned-man finish. I was the only person he had ever not used his perfect manners with that he wasn't related to. He had judged me and been jealous of me and had helped me and picked me up and put me back together. Then, with those cruel words and the drunken slap, he had shattered all of my fragility once more. I ran that night, and I was going to run again.

      "Shut it, Cal. It was three years ago and it's still that big of a deal and some half-jack excuse and a few mumbled apologies won't do crap. I've been running for years and I thought I was finally going to stop, but apparently I was wrong."

      I didn't regret the words once they left my mouth. I didn't regret them as I left him to pay for my hot chocolate. I didn't regret them as the tiny silver bell tinkled when I left the small brick building. I didn't even regret them as I started walking to my hotel room just down the street. Cal deserved to hear them and he knew it. We also both knew that he was going to come chase after me, and he was going to run with me.

     My thoughts were proved exactly right as I felt his strong hands turn me around by my now thin not exactly healthily thin shoulders. I didn't even have the chance to open my eyes from a blink as his lips crashed to mine. When he pulled away a few moments later an almost crazy grin had conquered his mouth. His breaths were ragged from sprinting after me and the kiss that had followed, not that the college athlete he was would ever not be fit.

     Overall, I knew my expression would not be the same. I knew it would be still and empty, just like I still felt. I was still drowning and falling and madly trying to fly, but Cal would be there and he would be the pair of wings I needed. He had before and he would be now.

     "You know you can never outrun me," Cal poked at me. It wasn't a tease, or happy, but it was serious. The comment was his way of telling me that he was never going to let me run away again, and if he did he'd only catch me. I knew I was stuck with him now, but maybe I was happy with it.

     "We'll have to test that theory," was my simple reply before I went in for another kiss. Finally, maybe I had finally chased down the happily ever after and the home I was searching for.




So this is under ultimate copyright and for a writing challenge. Steal this and I kill you with a candlestick. Kay? Kay. Motivation from the song below.

Music

Vanilla Twilight Owl City Ocean Eyes 
"The stars lean down to kiss you/And I lie awake and miss you/Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere//The silence isn't so bad/Til I look at my hands and feel sad/Because the space between my fingers is right where yours fit perfectly/Oh darling I wish you were here..."
 These lyrics keep running through my head, even if it has been years since I last heard them. It's funny how something that seems so simple one day can mean so much the next, even if you aren't sure why.

 Move Along All-American Rejects Move Along 
"All you gotta keep is strong/Move along, move along like I know you do//When everything is going wrong/Move along, move along like I need you to..."
Some days, this song is my theme, when others I forget why it ever mattered. I wish more of those days would happen.

 Palm Tress or Lost Souls Joe Brooks The Boy and the Broken Machine 
"...There's no in between here/You either whisper or you scream here/And when you say you feel at home you know/Yore missing someone somewhere else//This is the place where I've fallen..."
I miss my mom. I miss the carnival. I miss being close with my mom. I miss coming home every day and practicing with Tarot cards as we ate canned soup. I miss her gentle yet overwhelming smell of jasmine and vanilla. I miss seeing her Madame Beveria costume and helping her do the extravagant hair styles she wore. I miss the carnie life and I would give almost anything to get it back. 

Come Home OneRepublic Dreaming Out Loud
"Hello world, hope you're listening/Forgive me if I'm young/For speaking out of turn//There's someone I've been missing/And I think they could be/The better half of me//They're in the wrong place trying to make it right/And I'm tired of justifying..."
I could continue with that whole song. I want that special person to come home. Whoever you are, wherever you are, please come home. I miss you, I need you, and I know I could be my best for you. I'm begging you, come home.

Lost and Alone

Lost and alone

I know it's getting stronger

Never looking back

Always do I wander

Cold and creeping 

Sneaking up on me

Chilling me ghostly

Warming me none

Fire seeping through my veins

 Crawling up and down me

Burns sprinkled here and there

Now they're spreading everywhere

Glass is breaking, falling

Shattering like footsteps

Snapping bands are calling

Stinging me with pain

All alone and lost

I know I'm subtly losing

No one can stand up now

All we are is dying

30 Things

It's official. Whatever it is, I am unsure, but it is certainly official. I guess it's a list of things, so here they are.

1. I don't feel at home
2. I'm glad to be out of schooling (for now)
3. I might not want to go into university
4. I miss the carnival
5. I want to be confident enough to not be afraid to show off a bit
6. I miss constantly being on the move
7. I feel like Alice and this place is Wonderland, even if I have been here for years
8. I miss my personal library that I gave up when I left
9. I want to meet my dad, wherever he is out there
10. I hope I'm making my father proud
11. I like Anderson
12. I want to change find who I am
13. I want to stick with who I am
14. I feel like I'm maybe just a pretty face
15. I like unicorns and badgers best
16. I want to find my knight in shining armor, just so I know I'm not alone in this stupid world
17. I miss my mom
18. I miss being close to my mom
19. I hate peanuts
20. I know my other side is just waiting to pop out at the worst moment
21. I may want to cut my hair?
22. I want to know what Quinton Payne saw in me years ago (well only two...)
23. I want to be comfortable with whoever I am in life like people always assume
24. I want to find that one person who I can trust with my life and trust them with it
25. I want some good solid consistency to lean back on, like a relationship
26. Some days death sounds like the better option
27. Maybe constant change isn't what I really love
28. I want to develop more friendships and feel at home and accepted here
29. I want a home that I can always rely on
30.  Want to know why I am like this and if I can ever maybe change it

Seen scribbled at the bottom are some lines from '10 Things I Hate About You' from the movie of the same title. 

The thing I hate most

is I can't hate you

No, not even a little

No, not even at all

It Hurts

It hurts. It hurts to know that I've hurt people beyond repair. It hurts to know that I've been hurt beyond repair by my own self. It hurts to know I've done these things and I can't go back in time and fix them. It hurts to know that no matter what it is only going to happen again.

It's hurts.

And I hate myself for it.


For once there are no add-ones or doodles on this diary entry from Jill. The page is perfectly neat and blank. Her handwriting is perfect. You can tell she was not feeling either of her two selves while writing this. 

Darkness

In a foreign place at a foreign time
I don't know where I am I don't know where to hide
And all alone I stand fighting from inside

There's a darkness coming from the west
And there's a light at the end at last
Not all obsessions go away
Not all fears are outgrown

Neverland

I wish to go to Neverland
where all your dreams are born
I wish to go to Neverland
so take me there some more

There's a shadow hanging over my heart
There's a ghost hiding inside my mind
All alone and it's never gonna go
All alone forever inside

Maybe I could dream away
Find some place and stay today
Go, go, go to Neverland
And maybe one day I'll maybe be at hand

But I guess for now I'm here to stay
All alone I'm not leaving today
And there's a shadow in my heart
And a ghost in my mind

And maybe one day
They'll all fly away
And maybe one day
I'll land

And Neverland will wait for me
And my dreams will guide me there
I'll find that second star to the right
And follow on until I die

And one day I'll make it there
And everything will turn out fair
My dream will guide me home
And home is Neverland

And there's that shadow hanging o'er my heart
And there's that ghost hiding in my mind
But they'll leave when I find Neverland
If only It could be at hand

And maybe one day I'll land
One day I'll find Neverland
And my dreams will guide me there
And there is where I'm home.

Trapeze

I've been reminiscing a lot lately; I'm not sure why as it only leads up to the incident, every single time without fail. That is except for one memory. One memory kept me happy for a bit. Real happiness. Maybe even nostalgia. It was the time I first successfully completed a trapeze routine. 

I had just turned fifteen, so it was late October, and we were on break from the legion or something. I was in a sparkly silver leotard with a diagonal, sequined black stripe. My tights were glittery and my hair was braided to look like a halo or something. It was the night we were supposed to look like angels. It was amazing and glorious. 

I remember the wind whipping by my ears as I flipped and jumped and swang through the air is swang a word? If not it'll work for now. Anyways, back to the memory. 

The scene passed all too quickly and afterwords I couldn't help but glow with happiness. Later that night a few of my friends and I slept on the floor of the Big Top and caused a lot of chaos, but good chaos. That was the night my funniest picture came from. I'm not even sure what we did to my hair, but it sure was entertaining. 

That night was perfect. It was happy and complete and we were running on each others' energy and we never did crash, well they never did. I crashed, like I always do. I broke. I broke again. And now I'm just waiting to shatter. 

That was one of those nights I forgot my affliction and was able to be myself. 

Three years later I dearly paid for it. 

The Most Important Part of a Book

In a book, there are two key parts that must be perfect. The first sentence, and the final sentence. Without these, well, good luck having your story read.

     The first sentence of a book is your hook. It is what keeps the reader captivated for up to the whole of the novel. You can't have it be too long, or too short (unless you're Charles Dickens, but that's a different story). It can't be too descriptive, or too bland. The few words it needs has to set the story out straight from the beginning.
 
   Most stories describe the setting. They throw you into an airport, a moving car, or a new house. From there, they go on to describe characters, histories, and settings. Action will happen and resolutions will be created. All in all, this is the sentence that gets you readers and tosses them out.

    When the first sentence isn't done quite right, the story can start off on the wrong foot. Just yesterday I read a book, and something was just off until the author resolved it. This was because her first sentence didn't quite have the energy it needed. Luckily, she soon fixed it and I am now eagerly awaiting my next library trip for the sequel.


    The final sentence in a novel is what keeps your readers coming back for more, even if it is the end of a series or a standalone novel. Let's look to the final sentence of the famed Harry Potter adventures.

     "All was well."

   This last sentence sends you on your way with a certain satisfaction, but still keeps you coming back for more and more. Right here I must say that J.K. Rowling is a genius and an artist.

Your last sentence is also very important because it can make or break your writings. With this last sentence you want to be able to sum up everything, without fully summing it up.

To say the least, the most basic parts of any writing can be the most important. It is suggested that you remember this well.

Anderson

Is it bad to have a crush on the brother of your Praetor? 'Cause I do. He's handsome. I've always been a sucker for the dark, shaggy hair, straight nose, and the sculpted jawline. I like green eyes best, but blue and grey are nice too. There are feelings for him that I have besides just for his appearance. He's serious and hardworking, which I love, but it's obvious he has a playful kind of crazy side that I'm going to admit I hope he'll reveal to me one day, but I doubt it. But he has this thick hard shell, kind of like a turtle, and I know it can be cracked. I want to be that one to do it. Call me crazy, but I think if I actually worked up the courage to maybe talk to him one time, I could do it.


Below her brief entry is seen a doodle. A stick figure stands at a fork int he road, leading to separate doorways.  One says 'Try and break through his shell, heartache for someone (not necessarily one of us), getting him to trust me (or making progress!' The other reads 'Ignore my feelings, heartache, awkwardness, easier, but better?'

The brief doodle is titled 'My life in a drawing.'

The Dark

It's presence looms over me

Blocking everything

No more sun to live under

No more sky to see

The blackness hides my vision

Hides my everything

No more moon to live under

No more stars to see

The wings envelope my body

The beak blocks any chance of sight

No more moon to watch

Climbing through the night

Cold Dark Waters

I took one step

and off I stepped

out into the sea below

But no fall did come

the air did not surge around me

but the waves simply welcomed me

into the cold dark waters

Filling my lungs

as my life flashed

before my eyes

Fire was burning

in my chest

but not warming me

rather more killing me

Then came a peace

of silence and love

as I was welcomed into the sky above

as I was rejected from the ground below

Ode to Roses

Standing tall

Standing proud

Never backing down

Some say a Rose

Would smell as sweet

By any other name

Though not me, as Rose fits you perfectly

With petals from blood red

Deeper than the darkest shadow

To pure white

Lighter than a midnight sun

Your thorns guard your beauty

From any unhallowed hand

Standing tall

Standing Proud

Never backing down

Heritage and Destiny (Jill)

Do you know what it's like to know people fear you? To have them be afraid of your natural self? I don't control who, or even what I am. I was born this way and I have to life with it. I have to live with being alone among my peers, even if I try and be nice. Some are afraid to work with me, whereas others are afraid of what will happen if they do not.

It's not that I don't like my other side, but it's just annoying to have to live with this. I guess this is what happens when you are a daughter of Janus, not that that's a bad thing at all. I like being to be hinted on what will happen if certain choices and decisions are made, for myself and for others. Like if Annabell and Josh finally got together, it's bound to bring lifelong happiness for the two of them, even if they don't stay together that long. If perchance my current wishes came true and I was able to have a relationship (specifically with Anderson) then someone, not necessarily one of us, would gain some serious heartache.

It irks me that I can't share my hunches with others, that they don't trust me that much. Recently, my other side hasn't shown much evidence that it still exists, but I know from experience that it will pop up again at the very worst opportunity. It ruined my relationship with my mother and the carnies. No one knows this, yet. I won't let them. Keeping secrets may make a 'bad soldier,' but I'm okay with that. I can't risk ruining everything, again. Not until I'm out of here in about a few years. This is my last chance for who knows how long.

My name means 'young,' 'bitter,' and 'wise.' Jillian Marie Elms. I think it's all I'm ever going to be seen as. Young, old, and evil. But that I'm not some evil teenage girl with an older, eviler purpose. I'm me. Right now I'm lonely, lost, and confused, but I'm going to offer others their choices and give them time and doorways. It's in my heritage, and my destiny.


Doodled on the paper you see 'Anderson Shields' in neat cursive with hearts around it. You also see the names of her two knives and their English meanings. Eliectus-Choice, and Aevum-Time. This signifies her heritage, her destiny, and what she knows she must do, even if she won't accept it.

Jill does not know these writings are available for others to see, so keep hush-hush about it.

Jill

     Well, before I say anything else, I better introduce myself.
     My name is Jillian Marie Elms. I am just barely eighteen. I am a camper at Camp Jupiter, for children of mortals and Roman Gods. I am a daughter of Janus, god of Choice, Time, Transitions, and Doorways. I have two different personalities, and there is nothing I can do to change it.
     I have been at Camp Jupiter for five or six years, and have never felt as at home as I am at the traveling carnival where I was born and raised. The carnival is my home and family, except for maybe my fortune teller mother, Beverly, or Madame Beveria. I can juggle, do some trapeze, do some gymnastics, and breathe fire. I also know how to throw knives and my weapon(s) are two particularly scary ones. I keep a few for throwing , and enjoy practicing with them.
     Honestly, it takes a while for people to accept me. It's the two different sides thing. Recently my...nicer side has been showing, but there is still my love of inconsistency. It freaks people out, and that's the least I can say.
     I guess this is introduction enough. I'll write more later.

We haven't even said our goodbyes
We didn't even get past hello
Oh it was love at first sight
Please tell me I'm not alone

You said you knew it was me
I told you I knew it was you
We were happy as can be
But it was all a dream so cruel

I pretended we never met
but my plan fell right through
No matter how hard I tried
I could never forget you

And then when that song came on to the radio
and it summed up our lives perfectly
I couldn't help but cry a river of tears
And you would never know it was from me

So here we are at hello
And maybe one day goodbye
I've never felt oh so low
But here you are oh so high

This may not be true feeling
But I know it was fun to pretend
So here I am still healing
From something I knew was obtend